Feelings, Pictures of My Crotch, and Monster Trucks

Do you Facebook?
I Facebook. I Facebook everyday. I say things I think are funny, share videos I find hilarious, and every now again I’ll share a heavily edited picture of my face just in case people forget what I want them to think I look like. All this because I want to entertain my few Facebook friends with pointless things.
It’s like my blog with shorter, more pointless thoughts.
Nobody likes clicking “Continue reading…”.
So, I’ve got a boyfriend now. Again.
I get dumped a lot. It’s probably my cooking. Or my face.
It’s my face.
As per usual, having a significant other draws your attention away from such things. Now instead of posting five pointless thoughts, I post just one concise, extra-pointless thing.
Unfortunately, my Facebook experience has always been somewhat tainted.
Why must you post that you love him on his wall everyday? Doesn’t he know? Don’t you tell him privately?
You’re marking your territory and WE ALL KNOW IT. Every single time you post on his wall, you pull out an imaginary penis and take a leak on his right foot. I’ll be more understanding. You must have a weak bladder.
Please see a doctor and inform your loved ones.
I, too, decided I’d mark my territory.
What? Me and my phantom male genitalia needed to ‘go’.
He opened up his notifications expectantly.
“Lola Whiteley posted on your timeline.”
He follows the link.
We’re a mixed race couple.
It was so romantic.
Maybe it’s not my face.
If all else fails, I’ll have my sense of humour.
Boyfriend was looking at a new house, and sent me a picture of its cool entertainment area.
Determined to not be outshone, I messaged back.
“I also have a pretty cool entertainment area. Look:”
I then sent him a picture of my crotch.
In jeans. Clothed.
We don’t do nudes. Ask Jennifer Lawrence why.
Anyway, being in a serious relationship is not without its pros and cons.
I mean, wherever there are feelings, there is bound to be tension. Nobody wants to get hurt.
But I don’t have feelings. I’m hardcore.
Has anyone ever told you that you’re not actually feeling what you think you feel?
Not physical sensations, no. If you stick your hand on the stove top because you’re momentarily an oblivious idiot, and your hand feels hot, your skins starts to burn and you suddenly smell steak, then yes – you are feeling what you think you’re feeling.
Please see a doctor and show Hannibal to the door.
Man, I’m talking about emotions.
Good ‘ol happiness, sadness, a third thing, anger, jealousy, something, and some other thing.
Apparently there are seven universally considered ‘main’ emotions. Being the terrible psychology student that I am, I can only remember four.
Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster I’m almost done with my degree. Studying something you hate is a little like buying two left shoes. You’ve got one wearable shoe and absolutely no use for the other. Unless you have two left feet.
Please see a doctor and have this wonderful pair of shoes.
Similarly, having a degree you didn’t really want is great in that you have a degree to your name. That’s the credit aspect. Then there’s the function aspect, of which you have none.
Anyway, we’re talking about feelings you’re not actually feeling.
Say Steve is sad and angry. Why is Steve sad and angry?
Steve’s girlfriend has ignored him all day. That’s why.
The incident didn’t make poor, overly-attached Steve sad and angry. What Steve thought about the incident made Steve feel this way.
Steve sat there picturing all sorts of things. Was she with another man? Was she ignoring him on purpose? Did she not feel the need to contact him? Are they not on the same page? Is she watching the last season of Game of Thrones without him? DOES SHE NOT EVEN CARE?
Meanwhile, Steve’s girlfriend lost her phone on the way to the mall, knocked herself unconscious by walking into the glass sliding doors, was kidnapped by Dr. Evil in her disoriented state, and is currently being tortured by listening to tracks from Paris Hilton’s first album.
Don’t feel bad for her just yet. In the time it’ll take shagadelic Austin Powers to get there, the album will be done and she’ll be forced to watch Miley Cyrus perform live.
Yet, Steve sits brooding.
What’s my poorly delivered point?
Incidents spurn thoughts and thoughts evoke emotions. Those thoughts are most often conclusions you have drawn or assumptions you have made about the intentions or feelings of another person.
If you recognise this, you’re less likely to feel unfounded emotions.
It’s easier said than done, but worth having in mind.
But whatever.

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