Write to Kill

“I want to write to kill.”
These words are sounding in my mind, being fueled by the insatiable anger and anxiety I continually wake drenched in.
I am hateful, suicidal, murderous, aggressive, violent, reckless, hopeless, lost.
I am being dragged by my emotions again.
This I know.
I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to be afraid to drive because I suspect I might get lost in a thrill and explore what metal crunching collision feels like.
I feel dangerous. Self-destructive.
This isn’t who I am. Or is it?
I’m on the outside, looking in. I am watching my emotions push and pull, beat and suppress my conscience.
I know exactly what is happening.
This makes it easier to ride the wave, even though it’s a tsunami littered with ravenous, blood-thirsty piranha-cross-sharks.
I feel sedated. Overridden.
This isn’t who I want to be. Knowing what’s happening and acknowledging that these unwelcome emotion-driven thoughts are controlling me, does not undo their puppeteering.
I am in a straight-jacket, strapped to a table, being injected with rage – the blood of familiar demons.
I can only wait for their toxicity to pass through my system, and hope, this time, it doesn’t take too long.
There is no positive feeling. There is only the pulsating heat of the rage and the compression and expansion of the anxiety beneath my chest. Both dare me to explode and implode – to scatter the walls with my remains. They fill the emptiness left by the departure of compassion, love and empathy.
I cannot sympathise. I don’t want to laugh. Nobody means anything to me. I simply don’t care.
Darkness is reaching, exiling the light that shines so bright in its absence.
But, I’m watching. I’m waiting. I’ve surrendered. You can take me. You can once more rip apart the life I’ve worked hard to rebuild since you last colonised my mind. Push me aside. Take the reigns. Pull at my strings. Do whatever you want with me.
Just remember, there will come a time where you leave again, and it is I who returns better, stronger, harder, and more ready.
So, go on. Dull me.
I’m not gone. I’m lurking behind the scenes.
Just know, I will be okay, even in chains.
I will not be undone.
I see you.

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