Reality Check

I want to say things my mind has not even formulated yet. I am bursting at the seams, with wordless thoughts and a gentle fire in my chest. It’s all because of Rowan.
My partner has become my best friend. Well, more like my best friend became my partner, if I think about it. There’s only so many afternoons I can spend in deep conversation with a sexy Irish man without falling hopelessly and, at the time inappropriately, in love.
Now we have a co-lease and a joint bank account. I don’t know, I’d say it’s going pretty well.
It took this one relationship to shatter my realities of love; to teach me the difference between being in love with a person and being in love with the idea of being in love. Nothing was ever real. I have always questioned, doubted and pushed through. Why? Because I wanted to be happy, and I wanted to believe I was happy. I wanted to believe a life with that person was what I wanted. I was not. It was not. It was never.
For the first time in my life, I am in love with a person. I am not tolerating. I am not accommodating. I don’t internally cringe because of some personality trait, attribute, behavioural habit or the other. Rowan has overwritten my ideas of suitability. He doesn’t tick boxes or satisfy a list of criteria.
He is the box. He is the list. He is a culmination of factors I could, but don’t think to, identify. Even with difficulty, at times, he is holistically the love of my life and through this exposure I have learnt so much about the naivete I was drowning in.
The sheer amount of dating I have done makes it difficult to respect me romantically. I’ve had few long term relationships, and many short-terms fails. My relationships weren’t taken seriously, because; one, there were so many, and two, I thought every single one of them would be my last. I was looking for something. Instead of finding it though, I created it one-sidedly where I could. I gave too much to the wrong people – and I knew they weren’t meant for me. This is what I have come to understand – it was not real. Easy doesn’t guarentee longevity. Intense does not equate to genuine. Shared experiences do not necessitate obligation. It can be easy, intense, and personal experiences can be shared – but it can still be empty.
From our first touch I felt inexplicable comfort, warmth and ease. A simple embrace that sates the mind, and consumes to merge. I think you can feel love physically. I think love is an energy too. This is why songs, poems and books are written, dripping with the frustrating struggle to put words to sensations and emotions, at their very core, the English language fails to adequately describe. He’s home. He’s family. He’s the rest of my life.
And I am grateful, eternally, for the rest of our lives, that he sat across that bar every day. He’s changed my life, inspired massive growth in mentality, and shown me that it can be real – it can be present, and I can exist in the now, happily – not living in ideas of the future.
I am going to marry this man.

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